I based my arguments on the fact that Adventism’s prophetic voice, Ellen G. White, decries both between-meals eating and sugar-laden foods. So it seemed the thing to do. The faculty saw it as being overly religious, however. They weren’t favorably impressed––especially when we passed a motion urging them to follow our example in all the social functions for which they were responsible. They dubbed my fellow zealots and me "The God Squad."

Of course, success begets success. Having won such an astounding victory, my fellow revolutionaries and I looked for new worlds to conquer. And we quickly found one right in our own dorm––in the form of the "tuck shop." (I think the word "tuck" is a shortened form of "tucker," which means food.) The shop sold potato chips, soft drink, candy bars and other evil edibles to raise money for the men’s club––The Brotherhood.

Summoning my best skills of argumentation, I convinced my fellow residents of Keough House that all the unhealthful items sold in the "muck shop" had to go. And again they voted in my favor. (Clearly I’ve lost my persuasive touch in the intervening years!) The preceptor (dean)––and the rest of the faculty, when they heard about it––were less than happy. As am I, whenever I think back on it.

You see, mere legislation accomplishes little––a fact that the religious right would be well advised to note. If the heart and mind aren’t convicted, forced conformity achieves little, if any, long-term benefit. I discovered that before this story ended.

An hour or two after I graduated, I was in my room packing up three years’ worth of accumulated junk when I heard the dorm’s public-address kick on. For a moment I thought it was malfunctioning because there was a crunching, crackling sound. Then I realized it was the sound of someone chewing directly into the microphone.

"Do you recognize the sound you’ve just heard?" It was the preceptor’s voice. "That was the sound of me, eating potato chips! And do you recognize this sound?" he asked, loudly chugging down some liquid. "That’s me, drinking a once-forbidden soft drink! And this is the sound of a candy-bar wrapper being opened!

"Come down and buy all the potato chips, soft drink and candy bars you want, because they’re now available once again at the tuck shop. Because ‘guess who?’ is no longer here!"

It had taken less than two hours for things to return to normal once the heavy hand of The God Squad was no longer present. Oh, we’d been able to force conformity. We’d even been able to do it through a democratic process. But we really hadn’t changed the hearts and minds.

So what’s changed, if anything? I still argue for what I believe in. I still urge people to follow a particular course of action that reveals high values. But I don’t intend to impose my will on anyone.

Jim Coffin, Senior Pastor

We all like the free food samples at Costco. But what’s the proper etiquette (and ethics) when taking these handouts. The following may prove helpful.

Q. Is it OK to go back for seconds, thirds and fourths?

A. If you seriously might buy, go back as often as you like. But be sure to tell the attendant that you’re not just pigging out; you’re doing a "feasibility study."

Q. What if I want a few more samples of a product I know I’m not going to buy?

A. You have three options: (1) Control yourself. (2) Risk sullying your image. Or (3) when taking the last of your many samples, tell the attendant (in a conspiratorial whisper) that your identical twin sister who’s out shopping with you just confided that she’s been coming back for sample after sample after sample. You just had to see what could taste so good that she’d be willing to embarrass herself by looking like such a glutton. (Of course, if you’re a man, say it was your identical twin brother!)

Q. Should I make eye contact with the attendant and ask questions, just to make it look like I might buy?

A. The less attention you draw to yourself the better. The ideal is to follow an extra-tall person from station to station, reaching around in such a way that your face is always hidden. Be sure to remove all rings, because an alert attendant might recognize rings if they appear repeatedly—particularly if he/she works after-hours as a jewel thief. And if you have any fingers missing on one hand, be sure to use the other hand.

Q. I usually carry several wigs and pairs of old glasses in my purse so I can change my appearance. Is that OK?

A. No. That’s dishonest.

Q. Was my girlfriend unreasonable in getting angry when I took her to Costco to taste the free samples—after having promised to take her out to eat "at a really cool buffet"?

A. No. She wasn’t unreasonable. Women don’t appreciate gifts they know you got for free. To make any impact, you have to spend money. Now, if while at Costco you’d bought your sweetie a new drill or a set of wrenches, there probably wouldn’t have been a problem. Women like men who tune in to their feelings.

A word of warning: Unlike men, women possess a unique neurophysiology that makes them capable of multi-tasking. Which means that while you focus on one thing at a time—like, first, how to save money; and, then, how to convince her that it was meant to be a joke—a woman is capable of simultaneously plotting an almost infinite number of totally different avenues for revenge.

Q. Are there other stores like Costco that regularly give out free samples of food? I mean, I don’t like always going out to eat at the same place.

A. Sorry. Costco has all but cornered the free-food market––short of dumpster-diving, that is.

Thanks to Rabbi Rick, the children learned about Judaism’s spiritual holidays. They learned a few words of Hebrew. They learned to sing a song or two in Hebrew. They developed a whole new appreciation for what life would have been like in the time of Jesus––even though one might not expect to learn such lessons from a rabbi!

Rabbi Rick took the place by storm. He was such a hit with both the children and the adult helpers that I was beginning to fear for my job! I was afraid that if the week didn’t come to an end soon, a lot of Markham Woods members might start attending worship services at Beth Am instead of here! (Obviously, I’m speaking somewhat tongue-in-cheek. But he really was a tremendous asset to our VBS.)

By the time the week was drawing to a close, Rick was such a natural part of the overall VBS scene that––functioning on autopilot, as I too often do––I absentmindedly told one of the helpers to go find "Pastor Rick." No sooner were the words out of my mouth than I realized my mistake. But at that very moment, Rabbi Rick came around the corner––and I was sure he’d heard what I said.

What would he think? Would he think I was trying to make him the butt of some joke? Would he think I was cutting him down behind his back? Would he view my faux pas as a put-down of Judaism? Would he accept the explanation that I was forming in my mind?

You see, of such misunderstandings wars are made. It might be just one person beginning to hate another because of a perceived slight. Or it might be one family against another, as happened with the Hatfields and McCoys. Or it might be one nation taking up arms against another, simply because of some unintended-but-not-adequately-resolved affront. So how was Rabbi Rick going to respond to having been called "Pastor Rick"?

Without even breaking stride as he rounded the corner, Rick said to the VBS helper I’d sent to find him, "You tell Rabbi Jim that I’m already here!"

It’s great when the person you potentially have offended has such a broad outlook and is so self-assured and self-effacing that he doesn’t look for sinister motives in an undeniable faux pas. Obviously, Rick’s a pretty broad-minded rabbi or he wouldn’t have been helping a Christian congregation with its Vacation Bible School!

But there’s another factor at play as well. If there’s a longstanding relationship, and a considerable amount of goodwill has been built up, the party guilty of foot-in-mouth may be given a pass. The potential "offendee" will probably view the mistake through far more sympathetic lenses than if no such relationship exists.

Didn’t Jesus say that a person who has friends must show himself friendly? I think He was talking about building up goodwill. Because otherwise, mistakes can lead to war.